I am so stupid! I mentioned to Anchoress Samarra that my mother fears she is drugging me, and I asked her if that was true. While I got a mollifying answer, I also got my mother beaten half to death. Samarra told my father. I half wish I could return to that place I was a few weeks ago – that comfortable place where everything Samarra told me felt like the truth, and I didn’t feel so divided in my thoughts and loyalties. I do know she is drugging me. She wouldn’t have reacted so violently if it were false. Anchoress Ensharra is giving me something to counteract what Samarra is giving me, and I have, through bitter experience, gained enough sense not to mention it to anybody, not even Jasreth.
It may have been awhile since I last wrote in my journal. Somehow it doesn’t seem as important anymore. I am focusing single-mindedly on my lessons, and things seem much simpler. My routine has changed. I am having morning meal with Anchoress Samarra each day. We visit and drink tea, and have something to eat, and then I go off to, what for me, is school. I practice my language and my positions and I find great joy in them. I have read back in my journal and I have to laugh at some of the things I have said about being afraid of my father and afraid of my fate. How silly of me.